Beige of Empires.com

--Beige of Empires.com--

---The private blog site of John Winston Howard, Prime Minister of Australia.---

ADVERTISEMENT SECTION

Note: I'm still waiting for more big money to roll in. If you're another tobacco corporation, arms manufacturer or contentious multinational corporation, please contact me to arrange an ad spot.

Black Lung Cigarettes- now in menthol Why can't I have advertising for cigarettes on my website? It's a legal product. And if it's legal, that must mean it's healthy. It's certainly healthy for the Treasury to have all those tariffs rolling in, and some of that money is spent on hospitals, and some of those hospitals treat people who have developed cancers from smoking. So it is healthy!

Guns-R-Us I know that as Prime Minister I could have done a lot more to prevent the spread of guns in Australia, but it's not guns that kill people, it's bullets that kill people. And no-one has ever asked me to change the bullet control laws.

The Dalmation ArmyMonsanto presents: Genetics meets Religion, the Ultimate Solution. This new secret product of my good friends at Monsanto promises to get everyone to church of a Sunday.

Simon Luckhurst- writerI don't know who this guy is, but he appears legally able to write (for now) and he wanted to advertise his website here, and he hasn't annoyed me on my morning walk, unlike everyone else in Sydney lately.

QUESTION TIME

Want to find out the truth?

Email me a question at my personal and private email don't tell anyone please and I'll post a reply as soon as I can.

FROM 'PETER C' OF NO FIXED ADDRESS
Q: Where is the spare key to the Prime Minister's office, John?

A: I don't think you'll be needing it now, Peter.

FROM 'ADAM' OF BALTIMORE
Q: What's your favourite car, Mr Howard?

A: I'd have to say an old FJ, Adam. Trusty, not too expensive, safe and family oriented. I mean, you can have your fancy Italian sports cars and your smooth European luxury classics, but they're not Australian, are they? You could suggest a Commodore, but they don't have the same emotional appeal as an FJ, which is a classic of its era. Sure, sometimes the gearbox is a bit clunky, the muffler could do with some work and it drops a little oil now and then, but it just keeps on going. The same as me.

FROM 'PARTY STOOGE' OF MOSMAN
Q: For fifty points, what has the initials 'U.B' and will be back if the ALP is elected?

A: I think you know the answer to this. Unemployment Benefits! Also Union Bosses, of course. And possibly after a month or two, Unrepresented Bennelong? And if I resign, possibly also a lot of Underhanded Backstabbing, but only if Malcolm retains Wentworth.

FROM 'PAUL K' OF BAYSWATER
Q: Which is your favourite antique French clock?

A: Actually I'm not sure we have any. I think there might have been an old one we found in the Lodge one day, but we put it on the Council Chuck Out. I do have a very nice 1956 Ashes Commemorative clock, which is probably better.

FROM 'HUMOUR FANATIC' OF BROOME
Q: How many Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There is no such thing as Global Warming!!!

FROM 'OUTRAGED' OF DICKSON
Q: How can you not be outraged that David Hicks was tortured to provide a confession so he can be locked away until after the election?

A: I think we need to draw a clear distinction between being 'tortured' and being held in 'torture-like conditions,' which the convicted terrorist David Hicks was. As for the fact he's been locked away until after the election, personally I feel it's unfortunate. I would have made it much longer.

FROM 'ANNOYED' OF DANDENONG
Q: Mr Howard, many of us in the electorate are becoming annoyed because politicians never answer direct questions any more.

A: That wasn't a question, 'Annoyed.' If that is your real name.

FROM 'CURIOUS' OF BUNDABERG
Q: Who is going to win the election?

A: There's an old joke which says, 'No matter who you vote for, a politician will get elected.' So it's safe to say that Australia will be in good hands after November 24. And if this year's Union Boss scare campaign follows our predictions, it'll be Janette and I up to a little bit of Prime Minister and His Wife Special Time come election night. There's another old joke which says that I'll then do to the Janette what I plan to do to the country for the next few years, but that sort of humour is in poor taste, don't you think?

FROM 'BURNED' OF PENRITH
Q: How the **** am I going to pay my mortgage now?!!!

A: Just use the advantages of Work Choices to go to your employer and ask for a significantly large pay rise, and explain that you'll increase your personal productivity by not using the company computer to write silly questions to the Prime Minister. You'll be back on your feet in no time!

FROM 'JANETTE' OF A SUBURB CLOSE TO SYDNEY HARBOUR
Q: Mr Howard, who do you think is Australia's greatest Prime Minister?

A: Well, Janette, I'm a somewhat modest chap, but do the initials 'JH' answer this question for you? PS: Just in case Maxine (probably a Union Boss) McKew wins Bennelong, can you make sure you've packed the Kirribilli House towels and little soaps into our suitcases, please love?

Special Treats

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Home. Go back to my home page.

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Download selected audio highlights of my life as a PM.

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Tying one on. Some of my favourite ties.

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