Beige of Empires.com

--Beige of Empires.com--

---The private blog site of John Winston Howard, Prime Minister of Australia.---

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Note: I'm still waiting for more big money to roll in. If you're another tobacco corporation, arms manufacturer or contentious multinational corporation, please contact me to arrange an ad spot.

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Guns-R-Us I know that as Prime Minister I could have done a lot more to prevent the spread of guns in Australia, but it's not guns that kill people, it's bullets that kill people. And no-one has ever asked me to change the bullet control laws.

The Dalmation ArmyMonsanto presents: Genetics meets Religion, the Ultimate Solution. This new secret product of my good friends at Monsanto promises to get everyone to church of a Sunday.

Simon Luckhurst- writerI don't know who this guy is, but he appears legally able to write (for now) and he wanted to advertise his website here, and he hasn't annoyed me on my morning walk, unlike everyone else in Sydney lately.

WELCOME MESSAGE

The blogging will continue until morale improves!!!

Welcome to the personal and private webpage of John Howard, Prime Minister of Austalia. Read some of my most intimate and secret thoughts, written down here and known only to me and the Internet...

Please email me your comments or questions here.

27 November
I can't believe that nearly a whole month has passed since I started this blog. In that time I have lost the Prime Minister-ship, the government and my own seat. (You can't say I'm not dynamic!) I've walked 16,000 kilometres of the Kirribilli foreshores, have said sorry once (but not apologised) and warned about the Union Bosses 19,659 times. (They'll be here any day now. Promise.) I've praised those ruthless bastards (otherwise known as the Australian voters) more than I should have and failed to promise enough government spending to ensure they'd vote for me again (estimated fiscal shortfall to buy the faith of the electorate, more than one trillion dollars.) I sneered at Kevin Rudd, Peter Coestello, the Chaser team and anyone who mentioned the words 'climate change' as often as I grinned vacantly at factory workers, people who wanted to hug me and Jeanette when she brings my slippers of an evening. It's been a busy year, and in fact a busy eleven-and-a-half years, but in many ways a geat burden. And now I have just one more thing to write. I buried the secret government treasure obtained from years of over-taxing in the - THIS BLOG HAS NOW BEEN TAKEN OVER BY THE PROVISIONAL GOVERNMENT OF AUSTRALIA. AS PART OF OUR ELECTION COMMITTMENT TO ENSURE ALL POLITICAL BLOGS ARE FAIR AND IMPARTIAL IT WILL BE RE-SHAPED OVER THE COMING MONTH AND TRANSFORMED INTO A NEW DYNAMIC AND CONSTRUCTIVE ENTITY WHICH WILL BE ABLE TO BE READ BY ALL AUSTRALIAN CHILDREN WITH THEIR FREE GOVERNMENT LAPTOP. TRANSMISSION WILL RESUME SHORTLY, REPEAT, TRANSMISSION WILL RESUME SHORTLY. NOW GO HAVE AN ICED VO-VO.  :)

26 November
I keep waking up thinking I’m still Prime Minister, and then realizing it’s all gone. The headline I’d dreamed of, Rudd Faced, never appeared, and we had a Ruddbath instead. The Lodge is gone, Mal Brough is gone, even my fabled kingdom of Bennelot is gone, Tony’s gone (in the head, although this admittedly this has been the case for a while) and the Senate majority is gone. Peter’s going, Mark’s going and Malcolm’s coming. So much is changing. Janette has started to pack, although I’m still hoping we can hang on here until after the New Year’s Eve fireworks. For now, however, we have to look ahead, and begin the complex and demanding process of preparing for the incoming government. There is a complex and time-honoured tradition which must be followed in these circumstances, where the new Ministers and their staffs are given the respect and assistance which they have earned by virtue of their mandate from the public. Let the shredding begin!

25 November
So you did it, Australia, you really did it. The Ruddslide of my nightmares. Gone, gone, all gone. Well I don’t care. Not really. Because I got there. For that short time of eleven years (although admittedly for many it seemed a far longer period) I was the Prime Minister, and I beat out Andrew and Alex and Peter, especially Peter, and I was the second-longest running Prime Minister of Australia. So I want to say this to all the kids out there, all the kids who dare to dream, all the kids who were made to touch hot Bunsen burners, who were locked in the sport’s store, who had their bags thrown out the train window, who were teased about their hair and glasses and eyebrows and chin and clothes and laugh and ability at sports and hobbies and having no friends and never being picked for cricket and always being last in Drama and not having a girlfriend and that time they forgot to bring a note excusing them from swimming and not having any swimmers and the time they stood by themselves for the whole school social, well remember this, I was never teased about having ambition. While this may actually have been because I didn’t ever tell anyone my ambition, I like to think it was really because secretly they feared I’d go psycho on them if they go too far. So kids out there, keep your ambition a secret and make it known you’ll chuck a major fit if they do too much to you, and one day you could be the second-longest serving Prime Minister of an island continent as well.

24 November
Will the electorate decide to have a federal intervention of its own and ask me to leave? I know what the optimists in the Labor Party are saying, I’ve heard it echoed in my morning works by members of the general public, and I don’t think it’s very nice. They’re all hoping that the evil Voldemort is dead and that Harry Potter, or at least someone who looks remarkably like Harry Potter, is going to take his place. Could they really see me as the dark lord of Australian politics? And do they really expect magic from Kevin Rudd? I say this to you, Australian voters, you can flirt with Kevin all you want, make googly eyes at him and appear impressed by the wiggle of his hips when he walks, but heed my warning! If you go home with him tonight, you might have fun for the evening, but in the morning you’re going to feel sullied and ashamed. In a few weeks, when people remind you about it, you’ll feel even more dirty and embarrassed. Mark my words, as you get to know him memories of the euphoria you felt that first time will quickly fade. The disappointment that grows is going to combine with the irritation of his laugh and the smug ways he reminds you of things he’s got right, and all those telephone calls in Mandarin are going to drive you crazy. I may be a tired and clap-ridden old political pro, but you know me, and I know how to satisfy you cheaply and often. You shouldn’t forget that.

23 November
So tomorrow's the big day. Who are you going to vote for? Vote for me, go on. Please. Aww, vote for me. I'd really like it. Go on. It's only one vote. It doesn't matter that much, can I have it? Please. Please. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease! I won't play with you anymore. I'll tell Mum what you said about me. Then you'll get in big trouble. I'll tell everyone what you said. Vote for me! Go on, it's nice. I'll show you just how nice it can be. Vote for me vote for me vote for me. All my friends are voting for me, so you should vote for me too. Let me know that you voted, and I'll give you a dollar. Two dollars. More. Name your price. Double if you're in a marginal. If you don't vote for me I'll send Peter and Tony around to see you, and you wouldn't want that, believe me. Aww, come on, vote for me. Please. Big please. Please with sugar on top and cream. I'll make goo-goo eyes at you if you vote for me. I'll hug you. And your children if you vote for me, or if you prefer, I WON'T hug you or your children if you vote for me. Aw, please, just one little vote. One tiny, incy-whincy, wafer-thin vote. Go on, please. Please. I'll be your friend.

22 November
People often ask me who my favourite comedy group is, whether I like Chaser or the Frontline team, Monty Python or the Goodies, but to be honest, two of the whackiest groups you're ever going to meet are the Exclusive Brethren and the right wing of the NSW Liberal Party. Sure they don't get quite as much exposure as some other comics, but the sheer depth and quality of their material makes up for this. You should see some of the funny material they've distributed in this election (and in the past.) It's cutting edge stuff. Some people don't get it, it must be admitted, but I've seen it all, and talk about laugh! There should be more freedom of expression for comedy groups, after all, the Chaser get away with far too much. It's time that the Exclusive Brethren got more prime time, and I don't mean another Four Corners beat up. When are they going to get a spot on Thank God You're Here?

21 November
Hmmm, I wonder whether this blog constitutes political advertising. Probably not, as it’s completely private, after all, and it’s not as if I’m asking people to vote Liberal. Not asking, as such. Pleading, begging and cajoling, possibly, beseeching maybe, but not asking. It’s coming down to the wire and the ads stop tomorrow. Those dreaded words, ‘media blackout.’ After tomorrow it doesn’t matter if another Tampa arrives, if interest rates go through the roof or if Peter Costello appears naked eating his own ear wax while rogering a Merino (although it must be admitted that he appears to have got away with it on previous occasions.) The die is cast, the lines in the sand are drawn, the bird is primed and the entrails are ripe for examination. No more harassment by the Chaser, no more invitations to chat with Kerry, or Kerri-Anne for that matter, and no more attempts to contort the truth to within an inch of new meaning. It's a worrying time. I rang Sportingbet today and put a couple of dollars on us, so if we don’t get back in on Saturday I’ll at least be a couple of thousand dollars richer, which should tide me over until my Superannuation payments kick in. When you think of it like that, it's one of those win-win situations, isn't it?

20 November
Of course we're not going to go further with IR legislation. I don't know how these rumours get started. Slavery didn't work in the eighteenth century and it's not going to work now. We need people to have money so that they can buy things so the factories employ more people so more people can buy things. We just don't need people to be paid very much so the factories can employ even more people so that the factory owners can get very rich. (We call that 'incentive'.) We've made our position on individual employment contracts very clear with countless denials. Sure we have all these boxes of documents on our plans for Work Choices that we won't allow anyone to read, but those papers are really quite boring and old. We're a caring government, and we wouldn't want people to have a dull time going through them. It's not like we're thinking of dismantling Medicare, or getting rid of the Dole, or abolishing Public Education or any of the other incessant social service-type drains on our government coffers. Of course we're not. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar, unless of course they've read what's in the boxes and have leaked that information to the media, and if that's the case they're a traitor, and you certainly can't trust traitors, can you?

19 November
It's at times like this, with the opinion polls scaring the billy-o out of me that I look to the great leaders of the democratic world for inspiration. And of course that nice General Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan comes immediately to mind. (And not just because Kevin Rudd sometimes appears to me as a pale imitation of Mrs Benazir Bhutto...) The idea of holding the election in February, for example. February 2010, I mean. Getting the army helping out undecided voters in some of the marginal seats. And above all assisting the media to ensure the news is accurately reported. I don't seem to have much luck with the media here lately. Kevin popped up on Rove last night, while Peter and I did some program, I can't even remember which one, but Peter spoiled it by making silly jokes about me and the toothpaste lid. Even Bob Brown was on Rove, and he didn't do anyone any favours by answering the questions honestly. He'll single-handedly destroy the reputation of every politician in the country if he keeps doing that sort of thing.

18 November
This morning I took a journey to the heart of the desert, where everything was flat, flat, flat and the all pervading sense of the dust and dryness was overwhelming. The sameness of the dull red hue overrode any feeling of enjoyment or passion, the journey went on and on and on and led nowhere, the experience was devoid of anticipation or inspiration or hope. In a sense it was return to a climate change version of ‘The Heart of Darkness,’ only this was no drought affected upriver exploration, just Julia Gillard speaking on ‘The Insiders’. If she’d finished her rambling monologue which was ostensibly an interview with the words, ‘Mr Abbot, he dead,’ I wouldn’t have been surprised, but within minutes of it starting I had been forced to run from the room and rush towards the warm and admittedly sometimes moist arms of Jeanette in a desperate attempt to be reminded of life. Oh, the humanity…

17 November
This time next week, we'll be voting. Surely I haven't outworn my welcome with the Australian public just yet? The polls can't be right. And yet... I have a strange sense of foreboding. Like a shadow is being cast, and this time not by Peter outside the bathroom window again. I need to know! If we're re-elected, will it be Malcolm in the Cabinet Room with the Lead Pipe? Bronwyn in the Parliamentary Library with the rope? Or Tony in the Cabinet Office with the dagger? It's not easy being Prime Minister sometimes, you know.

16 November
So it was the Auditor General who released, that is, who LEAKED the report, that is, the OUTRIGHT LIES, into us channeling, that is spending more, that is APPROPRIATELY ALLOCATING funds into marginal, that is, WORTHY electorates. This sort of behaviour has to stop. This man is in a position of trust. The public rely on him to carry out his job with honour and integrity, and not to behave in a way that is damaging to his office. How can he not be embarrassed by his own actions? He’s paid thousands of dollars a year out of the public purse and we depend on him to do his job honestly and without favour. And now, in the last week of the election campaign, he releases this information as if the public’s right to know is more important than the exercise of democratic process in our great cricket loving country. He should be thrown out of office immediately, and given the sort of punishment deserving of someone who deceives the people of Australia by practicing political trickery and verbal sleight of hand. We rely on our public office holders to act for the benefit of the nation, not for the benefit of their own personal beliefs and prejudices, and he should remember that. We certainly will if we’re returned to office. Promise.

15 November
Today a survey, no doubt commissioned by a Union Boss, has noticed, that is discovered, by which I mean has revealed, that is, has CLAIMED that the government has been directing more money into projects which benefit marginal seats. The document even went so far as to note, that is to report, but which I mean suggest, that is to say to INFER, that in many cases ministers approved projects not supported by their departments in electorates which are under threat from the ALP, and refused projects which their departments wanted to see go ahead where these were in safe Labor seats. It’s obvious that these instances, by which I mean sorry circumstances, that is to say, these BASELESS ACCUSATIONS are no more than spurious, unfounded manipulations of statistics. To ensure this sort of behaviour doesn’t tarnish my government again I’ll commission an inquiry just as soon as I’m re-elected. I’ll make an interim report available to the public as soon as possible so we can make some very firm allegations as to who is responsible for releasing the results of this very sensitive survey to the media in the first place.

14 November
So Kevin Rudd had his launch today. Of course, we had ours on Monday, so it’s another classic case of Labor Party me too-ism. And you should have seen it. A room of people so full of false sincerity and fake enthusiasm they may as well have been at a benefit night for David Koch. They were a lost tribe of political misfits without an ounce of actual integrity amongst them, all trying to convince the nation why they should be voted in. Applause that lasted far too long after even the most droll of comments, fake laughter that Australia’s Funniest Home Videos would have been proud of and a load of hollow tub thumping lacking any actual substance, meaning or ethics. In fact it defined the word 'unimpressive.' It was nothing like OUR launch at all! It’s crucial that people understand the difference between us and Labor. We’re offering sound economic management, billions of dollars worth of election promises and fear that the Union Bosses will take over if Labor is elected. And what has the ALP got? They say they’re offering sound economic management, billions of dollars worth of election promises and fear that Peter Costello will take over if WE’RE elected. It’s a clear point of difference, and I'm sure the voters will make their choice wisely.

13 November
After the launch yesterday I feel things are slowly starting to turn our way. I’m not so worried now about the headlines of my nightmares, the ones proclaiming a Ruddslide or a Ruddbath on the morning of November 25. People keep patting me on the back and reminding me of the Melbourne Cup. I suppose they mean the old grey that came from behind to win and not that fact I still have a couple of bets to pay off. This election is not a horse race, though. In my mind it’s more like the final session of the second innings on the tail end of a savagely long run chase. (A Rudd chase?) The team has been falling around me, but I’m not out yet although my old bat is a little worn, there are grass stains coating my pads and my cup is chafing against my inner thigh again. (I have to wear it with Peter around.) When we take the field tomorrow I need something new to distract the media and keep the election momentum going my way. I need to pull out something really big. I mean from my hat, not my cup. Something huge. So definitely not from my cup. Something vast, in fact, something beyond education and childcare and hospitals. Something the size of… America. That’s it. I’ll start reminding everybody of my special relationship with old thingy. That Bush bloke in Washington. We get on so well. He makes jokes about us being a sort of static Pacific-based aircraft carrier, and I make jokes about, well, (insert any Labor leader in the last eleven years of your choice here.) I have to admit that I once thought we should actually become a new state of America, although apparently Mexico got ahead of us in the queue and already took a number. Also Israel, Western Samoa, Afghanistan. Iraq, of course. And then I think Canada. But we’re definitely after that. Maybe I’ll sell this concept to the electorate. In the meantime there’s the ALP launch tomorrow. Kevin Rudd can trundle down his predictable medium pacers for the rest of the campaign. I’ll just pad away his pathetic attempts at spin. He can appeal for lbw all he wants, but he’s never going to clean bowl me.

12 November
Today we had the official campaign launch. It’s quite a special time for us Conservatives when we finally get the chocks out from under the wheels of the old Liberal Party biplane and fling her towards the skies. We promised billions of dollars. Some of the Union Bosses called it political prestidigitation, claiming that all we’re really doing is promising to give back to the health system, education system and transport system all the money we’ve taken out of the health system, education system and transport system over the last term of government. But this is actually an age-old tradition of politics, and as I soared above the crowd in my trusty old Menzies-powered Sopwith Camel, I know that my party is about nothing if not tradition. And let’s face it, it’s the same with the ALP, only the other way around. On Wednesday they’ll promise the electorate lots of money to the health system, the education system and the transport system- and then if they get elected, they’ll take it all back again. I do love democracy. And I love Australia in 2007. Truly the luckiest of lucky countries- and not just because I’m the Prime Minister. One of my trusted media advisers came to me this morning waving some piece of literature he wanted me to read. Unfortunately I had to cut if from the speech I gave at the launch so that Peter could rabbit on about whatever it was that he rabbited on about, but I reproduce it here for you now, dear reader. I know there are people out there who say that politicians put too much spin on things, but I really have done quite well with Australia. As Charles Dickens would have put it: ‘It was the best of times, it was the greatest of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of cleverness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of trust, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Brightness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of faith, we had everything before us, we had nothing behind us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct to Paradise.’ (Well, Paradise for everyone in Lakemba, anyway. And they say I'm not multicultural!) God bless you all, everyone. Unless you’re a Union Boss.

11 November
There was something I had to do today, but I forget what it was. No matter. Lately when I ask people out in the street who they’ll be voting for when the big day comes around in two weeks they keep saying ‘Matt Corby.’ I don’t even know which party he belongs to! Although we're a little behind in the polls our Union Boss fear campaign is bound to turn things around any day now. That shot of Julia Gillard as a Union Boss lawyer certainly scares the willies out of me.  Tomorrow is a big day for us, the day when we launch our campaign. It’s a major occasion because it means we now have to start paying our own travel expenses. Up until now it was such a great opportunity for the voters to take part in the democratic process- by paying our bills for us. For some reason we weren’t allowed to have our official launch the day AFTER the election, but I thought this idea of Peter’s was very good. Poor old Pete. In some ways he reminds me of Al Gore. I don’t mean he’s good on the PowerPoint presentations or that he’ll ever get within cooee of a Nobel Prize, but because the way things are going Peter Costello could yet be the man who used to be the next Prime Minister of Australia.

10 November
Why do people keep complaining about Work Choices? I really can’t see the problem. Sure people don’t get paid as much and lose some of their conditions, but it’s good for the economy. And it’s a choice. It’s not compulsory. If you don’t like what you’re offered you can choose something else, like the generous benefits offered by Centrelink. Why do the Union Bosses with the support of thousands of Union Members have to do your negotiating for you? Why can’t you front up to your boss, HR manager or CEO and just tell them what you want? Sure they’ve probably got degrees in how to negotiate salaries and awards, they’ve been doing this sort of thing professionally for most of their lives and they exist to squeeze every last cent of their operating budget’s bottom line, so they’re probably going to try and lower your hourly rate to something a McDonald’s employee would consider disappointing and at the same time reduce your holiday entitlement to a whole day off every second year, but if you want to Work that’s the Choice you’re going to get. So why does everyone complain? If Prime Ministers could have Work Choices, we would. It’s just that we’re stuck with this annoying collective agreement where the Renumeration Tribunal only awarded a 6.7% rise to all State and Federal politicians, giving me a measly $330,000 a year. And how am I supposed to cover the mortgage with that???

9 November
Heh heh heh. Mark Latham. Well, what can I say? Heh heh heh. Is he off his meds? He made some claim about there being little difference between us and the Union Bosses. Well we invented ‘economic conservatism,’ or at least we borrowed it from that nice Margaret Thatcher. Let's be serious here, Kevin Rudd’s ‘economic conservatism’ is really quite progressive, and let’s not forget that Labor Party ‘progress’ is actually quite radical. However although you can’t stop progress, fortunately you can stop radicalism. And that's a good thing. Like my policies on climate change. Let’s look at it rationally. Statement: economic growth is much more important than climate change. Argument: for the next twenty or thirty years I’ll be on my parliamentary superannuation package. That requires strong fiscal input from the taxpayers of our great nation. After that, well, I won’t be worried about it, and everyone else can move to the coast, which will be somewhere near Alice Springs by then, where the land is cheap. SO WHY ALL THE FUSS???

8 November
I made a statement today regarding saying sorry yesterday for the interest rate rise, which wasn't the same as an apology. Just to clarify: I’m sorry I didn’t apologise, but I offer no apologies for not being sorry, although I apologise for being sorry, however I’m not sorry I didn’t apologise. And I’m sorry now that I said sorry, when perhaps an apology for not apologising would have been more appropriate. Or do I mean an apology FOR apologising? Now I’m sorry I started this whole apology, which means I’m now sorry for apologising for saying sorry about not apologising yesterday. It’s an important distinction, and I’m sorry if this is, in itself, confusing. Or do I have to apologise for that? To put it another way, I’m sorry that I didn’t say sorry more sorrowfully. I don’t apologise for not apologising more apologetically, however I’m a bit sorry I didn’t apologise more sorrowfully, while at the same time I apologise for not saying sorry more apologetically. I don’t apologise for not apologising more sorrowfully any more than I feel sorry that I didn’t say sorry more apologetically. I feel some remorse and regret about this, and I regret feeling remorseful, although I don’t feel remorseful that I regret not saying sorry, and I apologise for that. I’m sorry I don’t feel more regret, and I have some remorse that I’m not apologetic. I do regret not feeling more sorry about not apologising for my lack of remorse, however I don’t apologise for my lack of sorrow for not feeling more remorse about my original regret, and I think I feel sorry about this, although I’m NOT actually sorry. I hope this clarifies a few things, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t. Although I don’t apologise for this. I feel some remorse, it’s true, but I have no regret. And please accept my apologies for this.

7 November
Today wasn’t one of my best days. I mean, it’s not as if I’ve done anything wrong. Of course not. Let’s face it, in eleven years of government I’ve never actually done anything wrong. I take responsibility for things when they happen, it’s just pure coincidence that these things have all been good things. All the rest have been out of my control, or misinterpretations of what I’ve said, or silly little non-core promises which have been blown wildly out of proportion. But this interest rate rise today, some people are actually trying to blame me for it, and they’re trying to say that I promised to keep interest rates at record lows, and some are even trying to dig up the 22% interest rates that occurred while I was Treasurer. As I keep trying to point out, this election is about the future – except when we’re talking about the Labor Party. Then it’s about their 17% rates in the late nineties. I think we should just move on from the whole sorry subject and start reminding people about the Union Bosses again. I have to admit, however, that the Union Bosses don’t seem to scare me that much anymore. We seem to be running a fear campaign against men in braces with large beer bellies. In some strange way it’s like we’re worried about our own fathers. I’ll just have to wait for another ALP member to make some silly gaffe so that the interest rate rise goes out of the news cycle. It’s bound to happen. Any day now…

6 November
I’ve spent some time in the last few days letting the voters know that we in the Liberal Party are the best at managing the economy just so they’ll know to vote for us after interest rates rise again tomorrow for the sixth time in a row. Some people go on like an interest rate rise is a bad thing. It’s the overheating economy due to tax breaks and uncontrolled government spending we had to have. You see, I understand these important fiscal things. Not like those Union Bosses at the ALP. Think what it’d be like if they get into power. Pay rises all over the place, I imagine. More holidays, better working conditions, fewer hours. Of course there’ll only be three jobs created in the next two years and interest rates will approach those of Zimbabwe, but will Kevin Rudd care about that? ‘Look, everyone’s happy,’ he’ll say. ‘Should they be happy? I think they should be.’ To be honest, I think he’d sound a whole lot more believable if his voice broke. He’s a falsetto-voiced handshake machine and he even won the Melbourne Cup office sweepstake today, while mine only came in third. I told my minders not to scimp on the betting tickets, but we were a few short and didn’t have the whole field covered. Not like Kevin’s did, obviously.

5 November 2007
As if it isn't enough with those chaps from the Chaser accosting me every five minutes, now that rather nice Rove character has joined in as well and got people to ask me who I'd turn gay for. No-one of course. Except, except. I have to admit... Ricky Ponting came to mind. He has such a lovely pair of hands. I don't mean his skin, that's like the leftover outer of an ancient six stitcher. But his hands are so very safe. The way they wrap around a certain six as it flies through the slips. It’s hard to find stickier fingers, well except at our place of a Sunday morning when Janette lets us have jam. Janette's always been there for me, but she couldn't catch a balloon in a toilet. Not that I've tested her in this regard, but I’m pretty sure that if Janette was in the team and Australia needed one wicket to clinch the clown world cup, once that balloon started slowly descending over the vanity basin, Janette would be in trouble. Yes, she giggles mindlessly in quite an adoring fashion, and there's no-one who quite knows how to soothe my ragged edges after a fierce day on the hustings – but she doesn't have Ricky's hands. Ah, Ricky, can’t you catch my falling poll numbers with a loud shout of “Howzat” and herald the resurgence of my front bench's batting form?

4 November 2007
I had an interview on 'The Insiders' on the ABC this morning. It was quite trying as I actually think the interveiwer honestly expected I was going to answer a couple of his questions. They called me 'mendacious' which I think means 'audacious man' so I was happy with that.

3 November 2007
You know, I'm getting really tired of the ALP's 'me too-ism.' Now it appears they've copied our plan not to implement our election promises if we don't want to. I mean, we have a good track record of this. It's a known Liberal Party electoral platform. Just look at some of the ways we've done it. Keeping interest rates at record lows. We certainly changed that once we were returned to power. No GST. That was a classic. We didn't tell the voters we were going to bring in Work Choices, then we did it. It's a rich tradition going all the way back to 1996 when we didn't tell them they'd be living in the kind of country where Australian employees were kept out of their workplace by men wearing balaclavas and large dogs. Now bloody Peter Garrett tells Steve Price the ALP's going to change everything once they come to power. Tell us something we DON'T know. Like where they've hidden the real Peter Garrett for a start. The Peter Garrett I remember was a really strident idealist, nothing like this new ALP-style Peter Garrett bloke who's out there offering quisling-ist Kyoto policies and approving pulp mills. Er, not that there's anything wrong with that.

2 November 2007
Finally there's something we can polarise the electorate on. It's been a long time coming, what with all the claims of 'me too' from both the good guys (us) and them (the evil, twisted ALP union bosses.) Now, however, it's arrived, and it's come to us in the most unusual fashion. There are all kinds of people out there saying we pinched their policies, and that they've pinched ours. There's one thing that I can promise you, however. No matter that the whole ALP lines up in unision, there's one thing I won't do to get re-elected, no matter how many times Kevid Rudd pops up on the Net of Inter. I'm talking about a real, genuine wedge. Possibly the only actual wedge of the entire election, come to think of it. I'm talking about the ear-wax wedge, to be specific. To be frank, we've all had a gouge around in our orifices in the privacy of our own homes, or in my case in the privacy of my large taxpayer-funded waterfront mansion, but I've never done so in Parliament. And I make this committment to you today, that in the short time left before I hand over the reigns of the Liberal Party, and indeed the country, to my qualified, dignified and refined successor (or Peter Costello) that I will not, and that I shall not, be caught in public consuming my own bodily excreta.

1 November 2007
I've been giving the matter of an apology a great deal of thought lately. Since my government's discovery that large numbers of our Aboriginal assimilants are in fact living in squalor, poverty and ill-health (why didn't anybody say anything before?) I've been continually asked to say sorry. Is this appropriate? I've argued that it isn't. I mean, I don't mind apologising under normal conditions. But it's different with the Indigenous folk. WE weren't the ones responsible for the, you know, squalor and poverty and ill-health. It wasn't us who did the dispossessing. We didn't take the traditional lands and smash the traditional way of life. We didn't bring the diseases. The alcohol. Or commit the murders. We didn't take the children from their mothers or practise discrimination and exclusion. It wasn't our ignorance or our prejudice or our failure to imagine these things being done to us. Oh, no no no. It was our well-meaning predecesors. But today I feel an apology is warranted. Something's horribly wrong, and I'm big enough to admit that. I now feel that an apology is due. And so I'd like to say to the nation as a whole, on this first day of November, 2007, that I am truly and abjectly sorry for Tony Abbott. And I'm sure you are as well.

31 October 2007
Hello, and welcome to my first blog. Now that’s a sentence I could never have imagined saying a couple of years a go. The chaps would have had a heart attack if I’d walked into the Kirribilli Bowling Club and said that to them. Not that I’m really sure what a blog is, but they told me to write about two hundred words in my own words. On a theme, they said. Something important to me. So I chose… beige. Beige is the colour of my heart. By coincidence, it’s also the colour of our country. Not the red bit in the middle, but the edges, where the people live. That’s beige. Our beaches are the thickened deposits of cholesterol surrounding the hardened arteries of our red inland heart. Beige is the colour of concrete, and concrete is the cornerstone of our building blocks. Beige is the colour of faded newsprint telling stories of yesterday’s ALP leaders. There’s been so many of them. And beige is the colour of a digger’s skin after a few months in the desert. Beige is the colour of a good cup of tea, the kind you only get at the best CWA Halls. All this talk of tea and the CWA. I think I need to lie down for a while now. Mother!

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